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Ha! Who`s laughing now, f*ckers that took your Christmas lights down last year!
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Jerry: Tom, you are a genius!.. Tom: Yeah, I am called that a lot... Jerry: What? Genius?... Tom: No, `Tom`
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
Work is the result of failing to procrastinate effectively.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.