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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
If you make something easier for yourself they call you lazy. If you make something easier for everyone else they call you a genius.
"I ran a half marathon" sounds so much better than "I quit halfway through a marathon"
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.