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Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.