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Occasionally, I like to agree with a man just to watch the look of fear, confusion and nervous-anxiety.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Alcohol is like laxatives for constipated thoughts. The more you drink, the more sh!t that comes out your mouth.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Some people should come with subtitles.