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wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don`t solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
On my tombstone I want it to say: ‘I didn’t forward the text message to 15 friends.” ;)
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
Marriage, because sometimes ruining a person`s life takes serious commitment.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.