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Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
The sun isn`t the only thing that rises in the morning...if you know what I mean ;)
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
I`m for driverless cars, but honestly, having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of sh!t 24/7
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the hell are you doing?
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, Iām pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When I "rage against the machine" the machine is usually a printer.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying