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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Iām shy at first, but once Iām comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...