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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
“Hey baby, do you smell that?” “No.” “Me neither, start cooking.”
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Best part of living alone...clothing optional ;)
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"