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some people just need a high-five......in the face......with a chair!
Everyone has that one friend that can turn any conversation into something dirty....I am usually that friend.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
I`m convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
The only thing worse than a male chauvinistic pig is a woman that won’t do as she is told
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...