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I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Learn a lesson from your dog. No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that crap and move on.
anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn`t matter what. I just need something to drink to.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.