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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Anyone that tells you money is the root of all evil is f*cking broke.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
Don`t feel bad if you don`t enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That`s what matters.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."