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Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Roses are red, violets are blue. If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Dating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don’t make you a mix tape?
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.