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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Did you ever stop to think that maybe vodka is addicted to ME?
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
It`s always best to fart when there`s a baby on the bus. They always get the blame.
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.