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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Laugh if you will but this night-light has an undefeated record at repelling Boogeymen.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
Today my role will be played by an overworked, under caffeinated, sarcastic, unstable, asshole. Consider this my disclaimer for the day.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.
Iām so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
How long does it take to get obsessed?