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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
I would like to discuss tennis but I wouldn`t want to cause a racket
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
wassup pips! :-) no i don`t mean you guys pip, get it? piping?? haaahaaa... looks like i`m the only one laughing right? well it sounded funnier in my head (-_-)
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
I`m so, so sorry I started the whole Facebook Is Going To Start Charging thing. I didn`t think it would go THIS far..... sorry
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.