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That awkward moment when there`s not a single awkward moment
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
It`s the little things in life that matter the most... for instance the refrigerator light, helping you to see that last beer way in the back!
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?