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I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I watched my first Porn the other day. I looked so much younger back then!
Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Walmart made plans to hire 100,000 U.S. Veterans. Which can only mean one thing: Walmart is going to invade Costco.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they`re going to be when you kill them.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.