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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
I have a confession to make. I was born with a rare disease called “Amazing.”
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Alcohol doesn´t solve any problems ... but then again, neither does milk.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
I dont want to sound like a badass or anything but I play Wii without the wrist strap on....
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.