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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
I wouldn`t mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn`t know them all so well.
For those of you wondering what it`s like to be married, I`m on day 3 of an argument I didn`t know I was having.
Do bees even have knees?
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
bras are booby-traps
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
I`m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I am outstanding.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I’m off for a quiet beer. Followed by fourteen noisy ones.