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Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
A wife is like a hand grenade. Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I`m trying to cut back on posting pics to Instagram, so I`m not going to eat anymore.
My lack of dusting will finally pay off on Halloween.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
What Flickering Lights Mean: 1% Electrical problems 99% demons and sh!t.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
If you don’t like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!
Tieam... problem solved
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.