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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
OH NO !,,,,,,,,, I just realized I can`t stop calling the addiction hotline....
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
My shrink says if I take these pills I won`t see you guys anymore.
Life is different in Christian frats: “You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.” “Way to save it for marriage, bro.” *fist bump*
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Nothing is truly lost until your mom can`t find it.