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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
No matter what happens this month, at least you’re not a turkey.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.