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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Be good to your nieces and nephews. One day you`ll need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
Let`s face it. Seeing a camel toe in leopard print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on an African safari.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
dont love..dont hurt...keep doing flirt..:)
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.