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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
The more neighbors I spy on through my binoculars, the creepier I think all my neighbors are!
I wish common sense was more common.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.