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Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b