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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Just woke up next to my bed. Not sure if I fell out or didn`t quite make it in.
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
Swans mate for life...in case you were wondering what made them so mean.
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Here`s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.