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If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
Sure, Men love funny women. As long as they are pretty...and skinny...and they have a great pair of knockers!!
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
I haven`t lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.