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Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.