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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
Never forget that we live in a world in which it is easier to get out of a marriage than a mobile-phone contract.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Nobody expects you to post brilliance. Just be yourself, with the occasional intent of bringing shame to your entire family.