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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
I dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. It`s not a beautiful poem, but it`s very deep.
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.