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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.