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Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
A fun way to "Break up" is to tell them to "Go long" and then never throw them the football.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."