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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
"How much for the man cave?" "Sir that`s a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Hey Guys, I don’t have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
I`ve never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
I don`t know why they call it Everclear. I drink that stuff and everything is a blur.
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
American Sniper proves that not even being in an active war zone will prevent your spouse from calling you at work.