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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Smile, it confuses people. ;)
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
Apparently, "Step up your game" isn`t the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
I make a great second impression.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.