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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Nobody really owns tupperware. We are all just really borrowing it from one another.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
Sometimes I wonder how people who don`t have kids get their TV remotes from the other side of the room.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Dear women at Walmart with 6 screaming kids: if your wondering how that box of condoms got in your cart.... Your welcome!
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.