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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Girls don`t dress for guys, they dress for themselves. If they dressed for guys they would be naked all the time
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
What I lack in good decisions, I make up for in inappropriate behavior.
Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
Today I caught myself smiling… I was thinking of you… Don’t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.