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Just think: right now, your body is cookin` up some poop.
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.