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Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
That awkward moment when you open a fortune cookie and all you get is some vague, cryptic statement that`s not even a fortune.
No one`s going to do it for you. It`s up to you, to make naps a priority in your life.
That moment when you realize the object of #WeightWatchers is NOT see who can score the most points...
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.