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You know your fat when you sit in the bath tub and the water in the toilet rises.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
The best way to a woman`s heart is by saying three words - You lost weight.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here