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Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make 1 wool sweater. I didn`t even know they knew how to knit.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.