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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
The only thing I hate about beer is that there`s absolutely nothing I hate about beer... :)
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
I mixed Taco Bell sauce into my Ramen Noodles, It tastes exactly like poverty.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Chuck E Cheese: Because it`s never too early to introduce your children to gambling and bad nutrition.