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I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
Go ahead caller 9!!
I`ve got my wise-ass in my smartypants so I`m ready for anything!
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
When I was a teenager, a "selfie" meant something totally different than it does today.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.