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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don´t know when.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
If Coca-Cola REALLY cared about the obesity problem they`d put cocaine back in their recipe.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.
Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I`m a ball of fun when I black out.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life