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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Boobs are like the Sun. You can stare at them directly just for a few seconds, but if you put on sunglasses, you can stare as much as you want!
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"