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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Funny how the closer I get to the bar the friendlier I become.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.