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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.