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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I wish I can start a new diet, but there`s a bunch of old diets I haven`t finish.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Feeling bored? Post a status on Facebook that says "Barack Obama 2016" and buckle up for the ride of your life.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
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Ladies and Gentleman, I`ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There`s never enough beer.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Since light travels faster than sound, isn`t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?