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Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
In Starbucks a customer went sh*t house rat crazy when they got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot they ordered ... I`m fine now.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.