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Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
I don`t think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
Everyone knows spray tans and Tang come from the same stem cells as Cheetos, so why does Wikipedia keep deleting my edits?
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Basically the whole point of Facebook is so you can see if you’re prettier than your ex’s new girlfriend.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
Smile. It makes people wonder what you´re up to.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."