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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Ninja Mode is not a plausible excuse for not being seen at work.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
Everyone’s beautiful on the inside. Some people just need a few good stab holes to let that beauty out.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.