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Roses are red, violets are blue. I lowered my standards, just for you.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds. :/
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
I dare you to spit on this status.
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
I wish bedtime was all the time.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..