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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.