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Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart?
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
Must be nice to get married and finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…