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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
I ordered some bubble wrap online. It arrived in a box surrounded by packing peanuts.
I`d imagine the only thing worse then getting your period is not getting your period.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.