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I wish I had a friend like me
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It`s so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
People are so weird. You reach under the bathroom stall to tie their shoes and they freak out instead of saying thanks.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
I wish I had a job where I could punch stupid motherf*ckers in the face all day.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.