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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
I propose a toast to the booze for making life seem tolerable.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Mike.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of your own sentence, that way they will just think you lost service.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"