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I FINALLY "friended" my girlfriend on Facebook.. You know.. So I could get updates on our relationship status.. :|
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
When I`m in a good mood I act like I`m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood.
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
There are too many people who could ruin my life by posting a screenshot of a text conversation we’ve had.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I hate when I oversleep at work and get home late.
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Hey Lady!, I just deposited $43 dollars in THIS bank.. DON`T FROWN AT ME WHEN I TAKE 3 SUCKERS!
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!