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Laugh now, but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
If you`re camping and you have WiFi, you`re not camping.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.