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How easily you’re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don`t want to see naked?
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
I wish I had Dora`s mom and dad, they let that girl go everywhere.
Tell a therapist, Not Facebook.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.