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Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
My desire to be well informed is currently in deep conflict with my need to stay sane.