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Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that`s for here."
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask..!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
I just found a $100 bill laying on the floor in the checkout lane. I don`t even have to try to find out who lost it, because it`s the same color, and has the same picture on it as the one I lost 2 years ago!! WooHoo, talk about fate huh??!!
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what