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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Everyone’s an optimist when it comes to their car’s fuel gauge.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
If you walk a mile in my shoes the least you can do is leave a pair of yours to wear.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.