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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
Honk if you wanna see the finger
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.