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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
I don`t really work, I just kinda stand around and be awesome.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
If I’ve learned anything in my twenty-two years on this earth, it’s that it’s okay to lie about your age.
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Does anyone else wonder why naked and baked, 2 words that go together SO well, don`t rhyme?? ...I mean, who comes up with these words anyway? lol
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.