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My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it`s a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn`t make a funny, cat-shaped hole
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while Iām awake to maintain my yearly average.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
If Iām ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.