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Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.
Our swear jar is always empty because of all the god damn foul mouthed thieves that live in this f*cking house.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.