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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
They told me to come here and write something funny, so I`m gonna post my bank account balance: -$4.09
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We`ll see.