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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Every morning I check my girlfriends horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
"Hi, I`m here to ruin your life" - Social media
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked ... So did all the other people at the post office.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.